From San Francisco Chronicle just before Christmas
BETHLEHEM, Judea, Dec. 26, 0000 A.D. – A small stable was destroyed
here yesterday, and an undetermined number of noncombatants killed or
injured, after a remote-controlled missile, fired by Roman forces,
missed by less than 10 yards its intended target, an inn where a
notorious Hebrew terrorist was reported to be spending the night.
The "smart weapon," launched from a Roman galley on the Sea
of Galilee and guided by an unmanned radar-equipped "drone"
seagull, was fired after reports that Barabbas, a Hebrew assassin
long-sought by Roman intelligence, had arrived in Bethlehem, apparently
to disrupt the census recently ordered by Emperor Caesar Augustus.
"We had a solid tip that Barabbas – who’s a real bad guy –
was at the inn," said Marcus Dubius, spokesperson for the Roman
occupation. However, after centurions arrived at the scene, they found
only the destroyed stable and a crowd of shell-hocked Judeans who said
Barabbas has left Bethlehem days before.
Because of the devastation caused by the "smart weapon,"
Roman officials have yet to determine the death toll in what is being
called "an unfortunate military accident." According to Marcus
Dubius, "As long as these Hebrew terrorists continue to hole up in
heavily populated areas, there are going to be civilian losses like
this. If more of the natives cooperated with their Roman liberators, we
could flush out these fanatics and prevent such tragedies."
According to witnesses, a Galilean family, who had come all the way
from Nazareth, was wiped out in the mishap. They had intended to stay at
the inn –where they would have survived – but were shunted into the
stable because they had failed to secure a room in advance.
"There was no room at the inn," said innkeeper Rachel
Cross. "It’s terrible what happened, but I keep telling people,
you want a room, make a reservation. How hard is this?"
The family was identified as a man named Joseph, his wife Mary and a
new-born son. Also killed were several unidentified shepherds, an ox, a
donkey, at least five sheep and, in the words of one confused bystander
being nursed for a head wound, "a heavenly host of angels." A
drummer boy, whose presence in the stable was unexplained, was seriously
injured and later died of his wounds.
One of the mysteries Roman officials have yet to fathom is the larger
number of people who appeared to have gathered in the stable, a
circumstance that worsened the tragedy. "As far as we can tell, the
woman was in childbirth just before the missile hit," said the
Roman spokesman.
Among witnesses to the carnage, incongruously, were three prominent
Magi, who had traveled all the way from the East, apparently for the
purpose of visiting this very stable. They were crestfallen when they
found the humble stable reduced to ashes and surrounded by smoking body
parts. One of the Kings, Balthazar, claimed to have followed a
"bright star in the heavens" to the Bethlehem region.
Despite similar reports of an intense brilliance lighting up the
night sky over Judea, Marcus Dubius of the Roman Press Office, scoffed:
"They probably just saw the afterburner from the missile. These
weapons burn pretty hot."
Melchior, another of the eastern Magi, said he and his companions had
come laden with gold, frankincense and myrrh, to celebrate the birth of
a "Savior."
"Something in our hearts told us we must follow the (alleged)
star, for the son of God was about to be born, to suffer and to die for
the sins of humankind," added Melchior. "We had no idea he was
going to die this quick. What are we going to do with all this leftover
myrrh?"
Contacted at his palace in Jerusalem, King Herod, the local Roman
satrap, said, "Well, this is sad, of course. My heart goes out to
these folks."
Asked about reports of a Savior being killed in the stable, Herod
said, "Frankly, I’m tired of hearing all this Messiah talk. If
this country is going to move forward, we’ve got to forget about
Saviors and Baptists and all these other fairy tales, and start
cooperating with the Romans. These troops came to liberate us, and we
should be grateful."
In a related piece of good news, Herod announced that, out of respect
for the family who died in the Bethlehem stable, he had postponed a plan
to have every firstborn son in Judea slaughtered by soldiers.
"Just think of this as my little Christmas present," said
Herod.
Herod did not explain what he meant by the word
"Christmas."
Meanwhile, Roman authorities have ordered Bethlehem residents to
avoid contact with the media during the investigation of this incident.
Those who violate this advice will be "flogged to death summarily,
or crucified," according to Marcus Dubius.
Roman authorities offered no timetable on the completion of their
inquiry into the matter. However, the site of the tragedy was quickly
cleared. Within hours, the only sign that anything had occurred was a
manger lying broken in the missile crater.
"A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a long journey:
The ways deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter."
And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory,
Lying down in the melting snow.
There were times we regretted
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,
And the silken girls bringing sherbet.
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling
And running away, and wanting their liquor and
women.
And the night-fires going out, and the lack of
shelters,
And the cities hostile and the towns unfriendly
And the villages dirty and charging high prices:
A hard time we had of it.
At the end we preferred to travel all night,
Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.
Then at dawn we came down to a temperate valley,
Wet, below the snow line, smelling of
vegetation;
With a running stream and a water-mill beating
the darkness,
And three trees on the low sky,
And an old white horse galloped away in the
meadow.
Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over
the lintel,
Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of
silver,
And feet kicking the empty wine-skins.
But there was no information, and so we
continued
And arrived at evening, not a moment too soon
Finding the place; it was (you may say)
satisfactory.
All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth
and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth
was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our
death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old
dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.
Back to January 4, 2004
Sermon
